#32 | putting yourself out there

Be the friend you wish to see in this world!

I think a universal experience for every 20- and 30-something I know is the struggle over how to make friends as an adult.

Whether it’s someone starting fresh in a new city, trying to meet other singles as friends pair off and get married, or finding a network of other new moms to bond with, there are so many opportunities to feel like we’re starting over in our relationships.

Me & my work bestie turned IRL bestie in Chicago last year

This is at the forefront of my mind today because I saw a post in a Facebook group yesterday asking for advice on how to make friends with the women in their book club — they meet regularly as a group but this person wanted advice on how to take it further and meet one-on-one.

My immediate reaction was: ask them out! If you want to hang out with someone, you have to ask them to hang out. (Or you could wait until they ask you to hang out, but that is outside your control & therefore I do not like it.)

It is simple, but it’s not easy.

No one likes rejection, and asking someone to hang out is definitely a set up for rejection. But by not asking them at all, you are self-rejecting; you end up with the same outcome you’d get if you asked & they declined.

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Empathy Note: I have spent many years not doing things / not trying as hard as I could because it felt less scary than trying & knowing I failed, so I understand that there are deeper emotional issues at play with feelings of rejection. I highly suggest unpacking those in therapy; I am not a therapist so I am unqualified to help with those complex emotions but I want you to have friends!

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If you need ideas, here is a non-exhaustive list of things I have tried in an attempt to meet other women who were also looking to make new friends or to turn acquaintances into friends:

1. Taken an adult beginner [insert topic here] class — ballet, cake decorating, DIY, pottery, improv, Spanish, needlepointing, cooking, etc.

2. Attended events solo and introduced myself to people

3. Talked to the person sweating next to me at a group fitness class

4. Let a friend set me up on a blind friend date¹

5. Slid into their DMs on Instagram

6. Bought tickets for an event and asked someone to come with me, my treat

7. Said yes when someone invited me to get coffee

8. Offered to drive someone home from a group activity because they lived close to me & we got to chat more in the car

9. Still went to a show even when my friend couldn’t come at the last minute

10. Converted work friends into IRL friends² when I left the company

11. Not taken it personally when I don’t hear from someone for a few weeks

12. Invited people over to my house even if my space was small or imperfect³

13. Asked someone to go for a walk as a low-cost alternative to getting a drink

14. Reached out to old friends I hadn’t been in touch with for years to reconnect

I recognize I benefit from being an extrovert & perhaps more inclined to feel comfortable approaching people, but I’ve also practiced a lot. I’ve lived in 4 different cities in the last 14 years, building a network of people in each place.

It's taken time, and at times it felt like an uphill battle to move past the acquaintance stage & into real friendship, but it’s been worth it to put myself out there & initiate.

I’d love to open this up to you guys for even more advice — what unique or unconventional ways have you made friends as an adult?

1. Fun fact: one of the people sweating next to me at a group fitness class became one of my closest friends in Portland & connected me to one of her childhood BFFs when I moved to Chicago — we’ve now hung out twice with plans to do more!

2. My greatest success story here is with my friend

Alina Houston

— we worked together from 2016-2018 & it was great to have her as a coworker but it’s been even better to have her as a friend. I also bullied talked her into starting a Substack of her own so if you like to see the things other people like, consider subscribing to 8 Things I Like.

3. This Substack is actually a day late because I spent most of Thursday preparing to have 10 women over for a mahjong lesson. We all crammed into my kitchen, we ate chili, we learned how to play mahjong, we followed each other on Instagram, & we continued to strengthen our connections to one another with yet another group event.